


What is this Feeling

by The_small_one_to_rule_them_all



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Boys Kissing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gender Dysphoria, Genderqueer Character, Kissing, Logic | Logan Sanders Has Panic Attacks, M/M, Nonbinary Logic | Logan Sanders, Platonic Kissing, genderqueer logan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:20:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23186926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_small_one_to_rule_them_all/pseuds/The_small_one_to_rule_them_all
Summary: Sorry, no it isn’t a wicked!au.Logan tries desperately to figure out what the heck he is feeling. Virgil is a good boyfriend and is there to help.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil & Creativity | Roman & Logic | Logan & Morality | Patton, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Comments: 2
Kudos: 90





	What is this Feeling

Logan knows exactly one thing he is good at regarding emotions, keeping them locked away forever and never acknowledging them. Admittedly, he knows avoidance isn't the best policy for most any situation, but he _cannot_ bring himself to face the avalanche of pain that is gnawing at his stomach right now, so he ignores it. 

The worst part of acknowledging it would include facing what brought it on. The fact that Virgil just referred to Logan as his boyfriend. That shouldn’t hurt. Logan loves Virgil. It should make him feel happy, happy that Virgil is willing to acknowledge their relationship, happy that he is lucky enough to be in this relationship, happy to be reminded of those things. He should not feel.... _Whatever_ this is. Or what he is pretending to _not_ feel. 

The knot in his stomach almost fades as some time passes, and then he overhears Virgil and Roman bickering in the kitchen over who’s boyfriend is cuter, and who is the better kisser, bragging about their respective boyfriends. It is sweet and endearing and Logan is happy that Virgil loves him so much, but with every use of that relationship label and every “he” and “him” Logan hears, the pit in his stomach grows, expanding upwards until it fills his stomach and becomes a tightness in his chest. It physically hurts and Logan wonders what is going on. When he hears Virgil refer to him as handsome, he knows he cannot control this ball of emotion rising in him any longer. He is going to break.

Logan quickly sinks out to his room as a lump starts to form in his throat. He locks himself in the bathroom. No one can see. No one can know what is happening. All these feelings are illogical. There is no reason for him to be sad. It would be inconsiderate to worry any of them with the brokenness that is these _feelings_. 

He stares himself down in the mirror. He grips the edge of the counter and tries the breathing routine he has Virgil use to calm down. He repeats the exercise again and again and again and again and nothing is happening. It isn’t working. The emotions are still welling up just as strongly as ever. He can feel them pushing at the back of his eyes, forming tears that threaten to spill. 

“No.” he whispers as he shuts his eyes, fighting back the tears, “ _no_.”

Suddenly he hears a small knock on the bathroom door, Virgil’s knock.

“Hey, L, is something wrong or are you okay?”

Logan desperately wants to speak, to get Virgil to leave him alone so he can get through this by himself. But he suddenly feels his throat tighten. If he speaks he will cry. He cannot cry. Not now. Not with Virgil outside. If Virgil heard... he might just break the door down to get to him. So he stays quiet.

“L? Hey, I know you like your privacy, and I don't mean to intrude, but if you don't answer i'm going to come in, okay? You’re worrying me.”

Logan curses himself, the last thing he wants to do right now is upset Virgil. His options race through his head and he gives in. Virgil is coming in. He can't stop this. He is going to upset Virgil needlessly, he already has.

“I'm going to come in, okay?” 

He hears the door rattle and is relieved when he remembers he locked it.

“Logan?” Virgil says, and Logan can hear the panic rising in his voice, “Logan, please unlock the door. I'm really worried. Please.”

Logan sighs, he can't have Virgil panicking while he breaks down, now can he? That would just make him feel like a terrible partner. He places his forearms on the counter, leans his head on his hands, and with a flick of his wrist unlocks the door. Which opens almost immediately.

“Lo... what’s wrong?”

Logan hears Virgil close the door behind him and is grateful for the privacy. 

“Logan? Can... Can I touch you?”

If he says no then he is going to have to speak, so Logan taps once on the counter, their sign for yes. Just a moment later, he feels a hand gently touch his back, and that is all it takes. He lets out a quiet sob, and then another, and another until he is openly crying. He doesn't quite know what happens but somehow he finds himself on the floor of his bathroom with Virgil holding him, softly whispering calming words to him.

“I’m sorry. I'm not- You shouldn't-” Logan finds he can't even form a sentence. He wants Virgil to go, he doesn't want to be a burden, but at the same time he never wants Virgil to let go.

“Shh, hey, it’s okay. Talking can wait. You don't have to explain. I’ll still be here when you finish crying. I'm not going anywhere.”

Logan can feel himself give into Virgil’s calming words and let the sadness roll over him. Slowly, his cries fade and he is able to gain ahold of himself again. 

Virgil lets out a breath, “Are you hurt somewhere? Anything bleeding or broken?”

Logan shakes his head.

Virgil releases another breath and Logan feels his body relax under him a little.

They sit there in silence for a while. Virgil summons a glass of water for Logan who drinks it gratefully. 

Only when the glass is empty does Virgil speak again, “Could you tell me what happened?”

Logan sighs, “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry you.”

“I know.” Virgil assures him softly, “I'm okay now. But you didn't answer my question.”

Logan groans, “It is illogical. Things that should not have made me upset somehow upset me more than I could have anticipated. You shouldn't have had to deal with that.”

Virgil brings a hand up to play with Logan’s hair. “I came because I care. I'm your boyfriend, I kinda signed up to deal with you when you are feeling bad. And Lo, I didn't ask if your emotions were logical. I didn't assume that they were since most emotions aren't. I asked what they were and what caused them.”

Logan frowns, he is going to have to do this isn't he? Fine, might as well get it over with, “I... I don't know what words I would use to describe what I felt other than bad. This bad feeling has been coming up more and more lately and I don't know why or what to do about it because I don't know _what_ I am feeling.”

Virgil hums and Logan can feel it vibrate against his hands, “That sounds frustrating.”

“It _is_.”

“Okay. Well maybe it would be better to focus on fixing the problem before identifying the feeling. Giving yourself space can help you think about it more clearly if you don't understand it right now. And besides, there’s no reason to keep feeling bad if something can be changed, even if you don't know why it makes you feel bad.”

Logan nods, that _is_ logical, “I will have a hard time putting this into words and it might sound shocking or upsetting to you at first, but I promise, none of my feelings toward you have changed. Those feelings are pleasant and make me quite happy.”

“I'm glad I can make you happy, and thank you for warning me. What was it that upset you?”

“Well uh, i've been noticing that when anyone calls me he or him it feels uncomfortable. In fact, most masculine-coded language is feeling more and more uncomfortable. For example, being called “handsome” and being referred to with he/him pronouns makes me uncomfortable. ... So does being called or referred to as your “boyfriend”. Not, not because of the relationship aspect, I still love you and being with you, it’s just something about the term itself that upsets me. I cannot tell you why these words make me uncomfortable, it is illogical, and frustrating, but... they do.”

Virgil is quiet for a minute, “Was the use of those words in the friendly banter Roman and I had what upset you?”

Logan nods, “Which is ridiculous because you were being remarkably sweet and endearing and the compliments felt nice... but those other words didn't.”

Virgil shakes his head, “It is not ridiculous. It is okay to feel conflicted emotions because of that scenario. I would actually argue that it is logical.”

Logan shrugs.

“Thank you for telling me that those words upset you. For now, to address the problem as we understand it, I am happy to refer to you as my partner, if that term is better for you.”

Logan nods, “It is, I would appreciate that.”

“Okay. On that note, do you have an idea of what pronouns I should use for you while you figure this out?”

Logan thinks about it for a moment, “I think I might like to try they/them, if you don't mind.”

“I don't mind at all.” Virgil hums, holding Logan close, “Should we tell the others about the pronoun switch?”

“Yes, but not right now. Right now I want to clean my face and fix my hair.”

Virgil chuckles, “Okay Lo. I’ll wait in your room.”

Logan stands and helps Virgil to his feet. They turn and look at themself in the mirror, grimacing at the red and slightly puffy face that stares back. 

Logan sets about pulling themself together, combing their hair and adding a little hairspray, straightening their shirt, cleaning their face and applying cool water to the swollen and red areas, patting them dry as they calm. 

When they are done they replace their glasses and step out into their room to see Virgil waiting for them on the bed.

“Hey, feeling any better?”

“Yes.”

“Good, i'm glad.”

Logan hums and joins Virgil on the bed. They sit in silence for a moment before Virgil’s body stills for a moment and he seems to have a realization of sorts. He asks his next question slowly, as if he is thinking over each word as he says it, “Logan. Have you considered that _maybe_ , you might not be a boy? Because it kind of sounds like you might be feeling dysphoric over the terminology we have been using for you.”

Logan is quiet, “No. I... I hadn't thought about that, but now that you mention it... I do think that might be something I should look into.”

Virgil nods, “That sounds like a good idea for something to do _after_ dinner. When I came up there was about an hour until dinner, I'm not sure how much longer we have but I'm sure it isn't long. Do you want to go down now and let them know you’re okay, or would you rather wait up here until dinner is ready?”

Logan shrugs, “I would rather wait. Why don't we have dinner up here and you can help me research different genders and think through whatever it is that I'm feeling?”

Virgil smiles, “That sounds nice. I would be more than happy to help you process things and be here for you to bounce thoughts off of.”

Logan smiles, “Thank you.” They are quiet for a moment as they seem to ponder something, “If... if we do this research and I realise i'm not a boy... will you still love me?”

Virgil frowns, “Of course I will Logan! What would make you think that I wouldn’t?”

Logan folds their hands in their lap and looks down at them, “Well, you are gay, a boy who is attracted to other boys. So therefore, if I am not a boy... your feelings could change.”

Virgil’s face softens, “Come ‘ere.” He says making grabby hands at Logan.

Logan leans into Virgil’s tight embrace.

“I understand your concern, but Lo, my love is not so fragile that something like you making a new self-discovery would change my love for you. We will probably become wrinkled and gray and change in any number of ways as we grow. You could discover that you are asexual, aromantic, or even just a fan of anime. Would any of those changes make you wonder if I still love you?”

“No,” Logan mutters.

Virgil hums, “You wouldn’t question my love then, don't question it now. I love you Logan, for who you are. I wouldn’t trade you for anything or anyone.”

Logan buries their head in Virgil’s chest, “I love you too, Virgil. Sometimes I can't believe I managed to convince you to be mine.”

Virgil laughs, “You didn't convince me, all you did was ask.”

“Well still, I can't believe _you_ love _me_. What did I do to deserve you starlight?”

Virgil shakes his head, blushing “You’re getting sappy on me, that breakdown must’ve tired you out more than I thought.”

“Is my sappiness a bad thing?”

Virgil shakes his head, “ _Never_.”

Logan sighs, “Thank you V.”

“Any time Lo.”

A few moments later Patton appears in the doorway, knocking gently on the door, “Hey kiddos, if you both are up for it, dinner is ready downstairs.”

Virgil nods, “Okay Pat, thanks for letting us know.”

Patton smiles, sparing a small concerned glance at Logan before heading back downstairs.

Virgil watches him go and sighs, “He is worried about you Lo. Why don't we have dinner downstairs and let them know that you’re okay and then come up here and research after dinner?”

Logan sighs, “I suppose, if only to make sure they don't worry too much.”

“Thank you Lo. And, just so you know, I'm going to let you be the one to decide how to tell them your pronouns, I don't want to do or say anything wrong.”

Logan nods, “I appreciate that.”

Logan and Virgil take their typical seats at the table having filled their plates in the kitchen.

Patton smiles, concern still shining through his eyes, “I'm glad you two could join us, I was starting to get a little worried about you.”

Logan starts to cut up their food, “I understand, but I assure you Patton, everything is fine.”

Patton hums softly, obviously wanting to have gotten more of an answer, “I'm glad.”

Roman looks to Logan sheepishly, “I didn't say anything that offended you, did I? If I did, I apologize, I didn't mean to hurt you.”

Logan shakes their head, “You didn't offend me, though I appreciate you asking. You also didn’t hurt me, at least, not in any way I could _possibly_ hold you accountable for. None of the things you were arguing about or said about me hurt me in any way. However, to avoid any potential future conflict, you should know, I want to start using they/them pronouns and be referred to with gender neutral language. For example, please call me Virgil’s partner as opposed to his boyfriend.”

Roman brightens, “Oh okay Logan. Thank you for telling me! I will do my very princely best to use your correct pronouns. But even _I_ am not _always_ perfect and I ask that you please correct me on your pronouns if I ever mess up or ask me to use a different term if one bothers you. My teasing isn’t intended to actually hurt, you know.”

Logan looks up from their food with a faint smile on their face, “Thank you, Roman. I will keep that in mind.”

“Same thing goes for me too, kiddo. I will do my best to switch as fast as possible and please correct me if I mess up and don't catch myself.”

Logan can't help the grateful smile that grows on their face, “I... really appreciate that, both of you.”

Patton shrugs, “It’s the respect you deserve Logan. We won't give you any less.”

Roman shoots a mischievous smile at Logan, “So, does that mean I am still allowed to brag about how Patton is definitely the better kisser out of you two?”

Logan looks Roman dead in the eyes, “I hope you know that if we were not sitting here eating dinner I would be over there proving you wrong.”

Roman sets his bite down, a smirk growing on his face, “Oh, really? Why don't you come over here and do it _anyway_ , you nerd?”

Logan looks at Virgil, raising an eyebrow, “You mind if I...?”

Virgil shakes his head, “No, go for it.”

“Patton?”

“Oh, I don't mind.”

With that Logan stands and walks round the table to where Roman is sitting. They proceed to straddle the man, sit in his lap, and kiss the, metaphorical, hell out of the prince. They don’t relent in the slightest until they pull a little whine from him. When they do they promptly pull away, stand and walk back over to their seat, bothering only to fix their tie and nothing else, face remarkably neutral about the whole thing.

“Did I make my point?”

Roman is so shocked and disheveled that he barely knows how to respond. He sits there gaping like a fish for a moment before nodding, “I suppose so.”

Logan lets the faintest bit of a smile grace their lips, “I will take that as a yes,” They decide. 

Patton chuckles.

As Logan turns their attention back to their food, they notice Virgil eyeing them from his seat, “Yes V?”

“That was _really_ hot.”

Logan chuckles and the dinner proceeds as normal while Logan rests in the newfound comfort of being seen and accepted.

Later that night Logan and Virgil are sitting up against the headboard of Logan’s bed researching. Virgil has his laptop resting on his knees with a list of different nonbinary genders and their definitions pulled up. They have gotten halfway through and at this point Logan is just... utterly done. They are so confused and tired of thinking about feelings, which, while typically difficult for them, has proved more frustrating, confusing, and infuriating than normal.

“This is so complicated! Why are feelings so difficult and hard to define? I have no clue how I feel, so how am I supposed to be able to identify it on this list of terms? How do people know themselves well enough to figure this out?!”

Virgil sighs and takes Logan’s hand, running his thumb gently over their knuckles, “Hey, it’s okay. You don't have to figure this out tonight. In fact, why don't we stop for now? You have lots and lots of time to think about all of this. You don't have to know right away, and that’s fine.”

They groan, “What if it takes five years and I still haven't figured this out?”

Virgil chuckles at Logan’s dramatics, “That would be fine. I mean I am sure it would be frustrating, but it would be okay. You don't have to settle on anything specific if you don't want to. You are allowed to just be you.”

Logan sits up suddenly, “Wait, I don't need to choose a specific label?” the thought hadn't even occurred to them, probably because of their intense desire to put everything into boxes, they hadn't realised the box could be so big.

“No, not at all. You don't even have to choose something that feels like it gets it completely right, you can just go with whatever feels closest. Or you could just go with nonbinary or genderqueer and call it a day. Labels are there for your comfort, for giving you language you can use to express yourself to others, they don't have to fit perfectly.”

Logan sighs, “That’s a helpful reminder Virgil thank you.” They pause, a question forming, “What was that term you mentioned... genderqueer I believe it was?”

Virgil nods and scrolls down the list a little until he finds it, “It is when one’s gender falls outside of the two binary genders. An older term, similar to nonbinary.”

Logan is quiet for a long time as they toss the word around in their head, “Hmm.. genderqueer... I kind of like that, at least for now.”

Virgil smiles, putting his laptop away “So, Logan is my genderqueer partner. They don't like puns, but I like the label because as they know, gender is rather queer.”

Logan rolls their eyes and groans at him, but smiles, “Thank you for using it in a sentence for me. I like genderqueer. It feels nice.”

“I’m glad.” 

“And you still love me?

Virgil pulls Logan into his arms, “I love you all the way to Pluto and back Lolo.”

“I love you too.” they say, snuggling into Virgil’s chest and happily drifting off to sleep.


End file.
